This Valentine’s Day Ditch the Flowers, Buy Her Chocolate

 

 

Dear Cupid,

Those Valentine Roses are Going to Cost You…

Nope, the price of roses hasn’t risen this year. They will cost you the same astronomical inflated dollars they always have. You see, it’s not the damage to your wallet we’re talking about here, it’s the potential damage to your relationship. Those flowers you gift her on Valentine’s Day come with an underlying message. Get it wrong, and your relationship status will update to Loves Me Not.

 

Let me break it down.

 

What he thinks: This Valentine’s Day, I’m giving her flowers. I can’t go wrong here. It’s the gift that says I’m romantic.

What she thinks: Well that depends on a few things…

 

The Delivery

Did he send the flowers to your home?

What she thinks:  What’s the point, no one else will even see them. Is he embarrassed of me?

 

Did he send them to your workplace? 

What she thinks: Does he think I’m a narcissist that craves attention causing my significant other to publicly display his fondness for me? Next thing I know he’ll try to stick his tongue down my throat in front of my boss.

 

Did he bring the flowers to me in person after work?

What she thinks: Zilch on the thought level. Prince charming waited till the last minute, grabbing something on the way home.

 

Flower Type

 

Roses? 

What she thinks: How unoriginal. sigh

 

Not roses?

What she thinks: Cheapskate! Guess our relationship is not important enough to spring for the long stems. Gail at work got two dozen. Her boyfriend really cares about her.

 

The Color 

 

You may be asking yourself, who cares about the color? She does. Because every rose color has meaning. And maybe she doesn’t know that– but, what if she does? Or worse, what if Gail from work knows?

 

Red

What he thinks: The flowers are red.

What she thinks:  Oh my gosh, he loves me. This is too soon. Or red, yawn, so ordinary. The color that says, yippee, I got red roses on Valentine’s Day— just like half of the other women in the country. Bet they were on sale, too.

 

Not red? 

What he thinks: The flowers are not red.

What she thinks:  He doesn’t love me. He’s insecure with our relationship status and afraid of commitment. I mean there are red roses everywhere, and he went out of his way to pick a different color.

 

Yellow

What he thinks: The flowers are yellow.

What she thinks:  Oh, so he wants to play it this way. The dreaded, he just wants to be friends. Great friends. Gag. And on Valentine’s Day, nonetheless. Coward.

 

Peach

What he thinks: The flowers are some light orangey color. Whatever.

What she thinks:  He thinks I’m sweet. (Yeah, so is my grandma.)

 

Pink

What he thinks: The flowers are pink.

What her best friend thinks: Oh, you think she’s so beautiful, do you? So you finally admit it, you just like her for her looks. You mine as well give her a pork chop with a ribbon tied around it, if you really want her to feel like a piece of meat.

 

Orange

What he thinks: Why did she just smack me?

What she thinks: Orange relays a message of passion and desire.  So depending on your relationship status, the smack on the face, or the bum, was well deserved. 

 

Coral

What he thinks: These flowers are pink. Or orange.

What she thinks:  I fascinate you? What, am I a clown at the circus?

 

Blue: 

What he thinks: Cool. I’ve never seen blue roses before.

What she thinks:  He thinks I’m fake. Just like these fake flowers.

 

White

What he thinks: The flowers are white.

What she thinks: I will need to consult my friends on this one.

What your best friend thinks: Loverboy thinks you’re loyal. You know, like a faithful dog.

What your mom thinks:  Innocent? Yeah right. He’s a living and breathing man, gushing with testosterone. I’d gather to say his innocence isn’t his strongest trait. Dump the pervert.

What Gail from work thinks:  Ouch. Sympathy. (Do you really want to go there?)

 

 

Assorted Colors 

What he thinks:  I’m indecisive.

What she thinks: He’s indecisive. Furthermore, he lacks a backbone, and knows nothing about me. If he can’t even commit to a color, he surely cannot commit to us. Relationship status: game over.

 

No matter the delivery, the style, or the color, one thing is for certain. The life span of flowers is short. Every day she looks at them they will get a bit weaker, lose a little zest, and eventually shrivel up and die. A reminder of your relationship’s impending doom.

 

So, what should you buy her for Valentine’s Day?

Chocolate.

 

Because not getting her chocolate sends the biggest message of all:  

I think you are a profoundly obese bloated baboon who eats bonbons while watching reality shows all day. You don’t want her to think she’s a profoundly obese bloated baboon who eats bonbons all day while watching reality shows all day, right?

 

So spring for the chocolates…Just be sure to buy the right ones. 

What’s your favorite gift to receive on Valentine’s Day? Please share in the comment section! ❤️